How Do I Get My Spouse to Help Around the House? – Part 2

May 23rd, 2013 | Category: Assertiveness, Communication, Conflict, Healthy Relationships, Marital Satisfaction, Marriage | Comments (0)

Today I will continue to respond to Clarisse’s question related to how she can get her husband to help around the house. If you missed the first part of my answer to Clarisse’s question please feel free to check out my last blog post.  I also want to reiterate that, in some couples, it is the husband who is more concerned about household chores than the wife is, and the principles I’m sharing can work for either partner.

First, the best solutions to life’s challenges are always those built upon solid principles.  The first part of my answer to the challenge Clarisse is facing is based on the principle that husbands and wives are partners in their relationship and consequently share responsibility for managing and maintaining their home.

What I’m about to share with you today is built on two additional principles.  First, the principle of being open, honest and direct with your thoughts, feelings and needs and, second, seeking to first understand your partner, then to be understood.

I know it’s a big assumption, but for the sake of moving forward with my answer, let’s assume your husband understands and agrees with the mindset that your marriage is a partnership and responsibilities need to be equitably shared.

Before you try to execute a new plan you have to make sure everyone involved is on the same page.  In this case, your husband needs to understand what it is you are recommending, why you are recommending it and how it will ultimately benefit the marriage.

The conversation might go something like this, “Steve, I know when I ask you to help me around the house there are times you are willing to do so and I have appreciated it.  But when that doesn’t happen I’ve realized that repeatedly asking you to help me with household chores doesn’t work for me anymore because it has led to me feeling frustrated and at times, resentful of you. I think we can work together on a plan to accomplish this.  

Steve, we are equal partners and because of that I believe we need to agree on how we can share in the responsibility of managing and maintaining our home.  I would like us to sit down together and make a list of everything that needs to be done around the house on a regular or semi-regular basis and then divide these responsibilities between us based on our availability, interest and skills.  Ideally, I would like to have an agreed upon list with three categories – mine, yours and ours. 

We will then agree when and how often each task will be completed and give each other permission to request assistance from the other if something comes up for either of us. If we are successful at sharing responsibilities in this way I think our home will function more efficiently, we will have less conflict, more time together and we will both feel a greater sense of cooperation.  Will you agree? 

Asking your husband to agree to a specific plan is vitally important to your success. Keep in mind that you may have to revisit and rethink your plan multiple times in order to come up with an arrangement that works best for both of you.

Once you have an agreement it is important that you hold each other accountable when it comes to sticking to it.  You don’t want to “police” your spouse, but if you sense that responsibilities are being neglected it is appropriate to respectfully speak up and address the issue.

Next time we will talk about what to do when you ask your husband to agree to adopt the partnership mindset and he says, “no!”  This is when most women acquiesce and convince themselves it is just easier to do the work themselves and go back to being a frustrated and resentful Volunteer Coordinator.

Don’t despair. There are other options for you to successfully move forward in finding a solution to this challenge.  Until next time,

Live, Work and Relate Well! 

Dr. Todd

Share|

How Do I Get My Spouse to Help Around the House? Part 1

May 15th, 2013 | Category: Healthy Relationships, Marriage, Relationships, Stress, Uncategorized | Comments (0)

“How do I get my spouse to help around the house?  I’ve been married for 15 years and I still don’t know how to solve this problem.  What can I do?”  – Clarisse (name changed for confidentiality)

Unequal division of labor related to children and household chores has been a growing problem, especially as more and more wives and mothers work both inside and outside of the home. It creates resentment and hostility and often leads to conflict. In fact, a couple’s inability to effectively remedy this problem can significantly undermine the quality of intimacy and connection in their marriage.

In the next several blog posts I will offer what I have found to be some highly effective tips for solving this very common and frustrating dilemma.

First of all, it’s true that more wives struggle with this issue than husbands, but I have seen plenty of men frustrated with it as well.  So, although I will address the problem by answering Clarisse’s question, the truths and strategies apply equally.  You guys can be successful using the same approach.

So, Clarisse, the first step in overcoming the problem of not knowing how to get your husband to start helping around the house is to STOP ASKING HIM TO HELP YOU!

In order to accomplish this first step you must change the mindset that repeatedly sets you up for failure. So, what is a mindset? Simply stated, it is a combination of the ideas and attitudes with which a person approaches a situation. Unfortunately, I believe most wives have a faulty mindset when it comes to the role their husbands play in making sure the home is well maintained and managed.

Repeatedly asking your husband to help around the house reveals that you have the mindset of a Volunteer Coordinator. Consider the nature of volunteer work; it is optional, often time-limited and occurs at the volunteer’s convenience. The responsibility for completion of the tasks ultimately falls upon the Coordinator. In an organizational setting, after the volunteer completes their benevolent act the Coordinator is quickly looking for another warm body they can enlist to perform the same or similar service the next day, week or month.  Does this sound like the way you want to get things done at home?

Clarisse, do yourself a favor and dump the Volunteer Coordinator mindset as soon as you can and replace it with a Partnership mindset.

A Partnership mindset involves the understanding that both spouses have a shared and vested interest in making sure projects, tasks and responsibilities related to the home and family are carried out on a regular and consistent basis.  Whether you are a fulltime homemaker or CEO of your own company, a Partnership mindset will enable you to completely change your approach to getting things done around your home. When both partners understand and buy into the Partnership mindset, you will no longer be begging for help every day.

Of course, Clarisse, when you adopt a Partnership mindset, that is just the first step.  You will need to make some strategic changes in how you communicate with your husband in order to help him see the new vision for your family “organization” and how the two of you can truly operate cooperatively to get it running more smoothly.  So next time, we will talk about some new approaches to this old problem.

Live, Work & Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Share|

The Power of Habit

May 6th, 2013 | Category: Discipline, Goals, Good Habits, Habits, Self-Discipline, Success | Comments (0)

My work with clients often involves helping them understand and apply the power of habit.  The ability to develop desirable behavior patterns such as eating a healthy diet, exercising, managing your finances, using good communication, etc., all require the knowledge associated with building solid habits.  Today, I’m posting one of my favorite poems on the subject.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

I am your constant companion,
I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command. Half the things you do might just as well turn over to me
and I will be able to do them quickly and correctly.

I am easily managed -
you must merely be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done
and after a few lessons, I will do it automatically.
I am the servant of all great people;
and alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great,
I have made great.
Those who are failures,
I have made failures.

I am not a machine,
though I work with all the precision of a machine
plus the intelligence of a human.
You may run me for a profit or run me for ruin -
it makes no difference to me.

Take me,
train me,
be firm with me,
And I will place the world at your feet.
Be easy with me,
and I will destroy you.

WHO AM I?

I AM HABIT.

(Author Unknown)

Share|

Successful Parenting After Divorce

May 2nd, 2013 | Category: Divorce, Marital Breakup, Parent and Child Relationships, Parenting | Comments (0)

This is an article written by a father of four children who went through a divorce and in the process learned some very valuable parenting lessons.  If you are in the process of co-parenting your children with your former spouse do your best to apply the lessons learned to your own situation and then memorize the Children’s Bill of Rights at the end of the article.  Parenting after divorce isn’t easy, but the more you pay attention to the needs of your children the more successful you will be.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

“I hate you!”

Those were the words shouted at me by my twelve year old son, after I had told him that his mother and I were getting a divorce. At that moment my own world came crashing down around me. Throughout all the pain and turmoil of deciding if a divorce was the best decision for me, I had somehow convinced myself that the children would be alright. After all, they knew how much I loved them; and I knew without a doubt that they loved me. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

My wife and I had been married for over twenty years. I had four wonderful children – three boys and one girl. The children brought me the greatest joy that I had ever experienced in life. Now I was faced with the real possibility of losing their love – or even worse – their desire to be a part of my life.

I was determined to be involved in their lives and to let them know that I was never going to stop loving them and being there for them.

I began to read all the material I could find on the effects of divorce on children and how to be a successful parent during and after the divorce. Unfortunately, I found volumes of information on the adverse effects of divorce on children of all ages. Short term effects included: children feeling the loss of security, high levels of anxiety, confusion and even severe depression.  The long term effects were even worse. Children of divorce are twice as likely to drop out of school, three times more likely to have a child out of wedlock and twelve more times apt to be incarcerated.

I made a decision that I would do whatever it took to make sure my children would make it through with as little damage as humanly possible.

I knew that my focus had to change. It wasn’t about me or their mother and who was right versus who was wrong. It had to be about the children. I then decided that before every decision I made my first question would be: How would this affect my kids?

The most important thing I could do was stay involved in their lives. To be honest, my gut told me to run. It would have been so much easier to stay away and to justify it by saying that the kids would be better off. In my heart I knew that was simply an excuse to keep me from having to see the pain and hurt on their faces because of my decision.

When I moved out of the house, I found an apartment just a few blocks away from their mother’s home. I gave my children a key to my apartment and told them they could come over anytime. I attended all of the school functions and went to the parent teacher conferences.  My children weren’t always excited to see me. At times it was very uncomfortable to be in the same room with their mother but it was something I had to do. I remember attending my daughter’s volleyball game, sitting high up in the bleachers by myself, when she looked up at me and smiled. I knew that I was right where I needed to be.

My children and I had been very close and that meant that we talked often. I didn’t want that to stop. I called each one of my children every day just to tell them how much I loved them. There were times when they didn’t want to speak to me. That hurt, but I also knew that my children were hurting. I simply left them a message telling them that I loved them and was thinking of them.

When you divorce you break a bond of trust between you and your children. Your children believe that you will always be with their mother and that their home will always remain intact. I soon discovered that my children now viewed everything that I said with skepticism. Rebuilding their trust in me meant that when I said that I would do something for them, or be somewhere for them, I would. It wasn’t always easy and there were times when I failed. Little by little, I could see the children regaining their trust in me.

Believe me there were times when the kids would test me. They would call me at the last minute to ask me if I was going to a school event that I knew nothing about, knowing I had something else planned. If at all possible, I would drop or postpone whatever I was doing to make sure I was there. This may sound like I was allowing my children to run my life. Maybe I was – but I knew that I had shattered their lives and that they were the innocent ones that had to suffer. Knowing that, I wanted them to test me as often as they felt the need to.

Finally, my ex-wife and I came to the most important decision that two people who divorce can ever make. We decided not to speak evil of each other in front of the children, and that when we were with the children together, we would focus on them. This was without a doubt one of the best decisions we made.

I’ve been divorced for eight years now and it hasn’t been easy. Even today I can still see and hear some of the pain of the divorce in my children. But, my relationship with all four of them is strong. They tell me often how much they love me and they are doing well in their lives.

I believe that being a good parent after divorce also involves knowing and respecting what are referred to as the Children’s Bill of Rights.  Study them and commit them to memory.  If honored, they will help your children navigate the challenges of divorce much more effectively.

Children of divorce have …

  • The right to be free from parental conflict.
  • The right to love both parents.
  • The right to be loved and supported by both parents.
  • The right to spend time with both parents.
  • The right to be treated as a human being and not as a possession.
  • The right to enjoy being with both parents.
  • The right to have pictures from the past.
  • The right to the best financial support by both parents.
  • The right to develop or maintain a relationship with each parent.
  • The right to have a relationship with all grandparents and relatives.
  • The right to be free from choosing one parent over another.

Parenting isn’t easy after a divorce, but it can be done. Make the children a priority and you will enjoy your relationship with your children and grandchildren!

Share|

Keys to Confronting Well – Part II

April 30th, 2013 | Category: Assertiveness, Conflict, Confrontation, Confronting, Healthy Relationships, Relationships, Trust | Comments (0)

Confrontation can be a scary proposition, but when you learn to do it well it can be the key to resolving differences and strengthening trust in your relationships.  Here are the last five of 10 keys to confronting well.

6. Express your thoughts and feelings

Expressing what you feel openly and honestly at the outset of a difficult conversation will help to reduce anxiety and diffuse pent up emotion that might otherwise escalate during the discussion. For example, stating, “I am angry” will actually help prevent anger from controlling your responses.

7. Remember that it’s far better to be respected than to be liked

Although the person you are confronting may not like what you have to say, if you appropriately communicate your concerns, they are much more likely to respect you and be willing to cooperate with you to resolve the conflict.

8. Keep your emotions, especially anger, under control

Increased volume and hostility are never good substitutes for reason and self-control.

9. Clearly state what you want or need

When confronting an issue, people are often quick to identify what they don’t want, but tend to forget to clearly communicate what they do want. Remember, if what you want or need is understood, you are more likely to get it.

10. Keep your expectations realistic

Unmet expectations lead to disappointment, so keep them realistic, both for yourself and the one you are confronting.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Share|

Keys to Confronting Well – Part I

April 29th, 2013 | Category: Assertiveness, Communication, Confrontation, Confronting, Job Stress, People Skills, Relationships, Trust | Comments (0)

Most people fear confrontation. The thought of speaking up – especially during a conflict or uncomfortable situation – can be almost paralyzing. However, the ability to effectively confront tough issues by clearly stating what you think, feel, and want can be one of the most valuable interpersonal skills a person can possess. The ten keys listed below can help prepare you for those difficult conversations.

1. Objectively describe your concern

Stick to the facts only when describing your concern or complaint. If you begin by talking about the other person’s motives or intentions, you’re likely to trigger a defensive or angry reaction.

2. Avoid making it personal

Address the action or behavior without attacking the person with criticism, name calling or blame. Negative personal comments can damage your relationship, even into the future.

3. Keep your comments brief and to the point

Reserve the lectures for the classroom because they never benefit relationships. If your goal is to influence positive behavioral change and resolution, less is more.

4. Resist getting sucked into an argument

If your comments are met with hostility, blame or defensiveness, fight the temptation to argue your position. Instead, state what you believe needs to be said and then end the conversation. Arguing is often destructive and will likely make the situation worse.

5. Avoid getting sidetracked

It’s easy for irrelevant or unrelated issues to sneak into a discussion when confronting a difficult issue. Commit to only addressing one concern or complaint at a time, and it will increase the likelihood of an acceptable outcome.

I will share the last five keys to confronting well in our next blog post.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

 

Share|

Finding the Courage to Trust Again

April 25th, 2013 | Category: Boundaries, Healthy Relationships, Relationships, Trust | Comments (0)

When it comes to relationships, let’s be clear – the last thing you want to do is trust someone who is not trustworthy.  In fact, it’s foolish to trust a person whose behavior is characterized by lies and broken promises.

But one of the biggest challenges in many relationships is the difficulty some people have with being able or willing to trust someone who is truly trustworthy.  These are often men or women who have been hurt or taken advantage of by important people in their lives, resulting in a conditioned response of suspicion and fear.  Sadly, this virtually guarantees that intimacy will suffer significantly.  The absence of both trust and intimacy can often give way to a vicious cycle of conflict, abuse and isolation.

If your capacity to trust others is limited because of the insecurity and vulnerability created by abuse, keep in mind that there is hope.  The trauma of abuse frequently triggers the development of irrational beliefs about yourself, your future and the world you live in.  Some of the more common irrational beliefs are related to the false notion that you are not strong enough to avoid being harmed or hurt again, that you lack the ability to discern who is trustworthy or that the world is a dangerous place and no one is to be trusted under any circumstances.

In an effort to help you begin the process of healing and trusting again I want to encourage you to focus on four key statements that represent the truth about you.  Meditate on these thoughts every day whether you can fully agree with them or not.  In time, they will begin to take hold and help to give you the courage to trust.

1.    “I choose to trust again because I want to experience real intimacy in my relationships and to stop being held captive by the lies I have accepted about myself.”

2.    “When I get hurt I know I can survive and even thrive because my worth, value and significance comes from within me rather than from what others think about me or how they treat me.” 

3.    “I will continue to learn how to improve my ability to choose healthy people to be in relationship with and how to set appropriate boundaries for myself.”

4.    “Certain people in this world are unsafe and I will learn to avoid them.  There are also many people in this world who are caring, loving and trustworthy.  I do not have to be afraid – only wise, discerning and secure in knowing who I really am.”

As you rehearse these statements every day they will begin to silence the irrational beliefs that hold you captive and inhibit you from experiencing the real intimacy and love you desire.   Remember to be patient because the process takes time.  As your new beliefs strengthen you will find yourself starting to take greater risks in your relationships and your fear and insecurity diminish.

To learn more about how to trust again I recommend that you read the book, “The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships” by Cynthia L. Wall.

Live, Work and Relate Well!

Dr. Todd

Share|

« Older Entries